I would like to discuss, for a moment, naming conventions in heavy metal. Let us never forget that the only thing that can predict how much money and fame a band will reap is the awesomeness of its name, judged on a Bernard Scale (yes, I did just make that up: why do you ask?) from one to six hundred and sixty six. We can see this empirically if we look at a few examples:
Opeth:
Do I really need to say anything here? Amazing band name -- original, catchy, easy to remember, and looks great when drawn into a kick-ass logo with gothically brutal calligraph ic amazingness. And look what happened to them: these guys are probably the most respected metal band in metal circles out there. So what if the pop-radio masses would rather listen to Corey Taylor masturbating his vocal chords on stage while his band misses beats and plays off-key?
Strapping Young Lad:
Can you come up with a more awesome band name? Or a more successful and amazing band, particularly one that comes from the vast empty spaces of Canada? (Okay, they're not from a particularly empty part of Canada, but whateva.)
GWAR:
Aaaah, GWAR does my heart good. The kind of good that involves gallons of splooge, sluicing over hordes of hapless carbon-based fleshbags. Amazing name? Check. Amazing success? Check.
Slipknot:
Now here's an interesting case: a bit of a shitty band with a bit of a dick as its front man. The name is deceptive: on first glance it looks kind of cool, but when you stop to think about it, it's really dumb. Slipknot? That's like a granny knot, which is a poorly made and childish square knot. Now that's a knot to remember, a square knot. The other thing the name calls to mind is a noose, and really, could you get any more emo than that? Screaming about all the shit that's fucked up cause your mummy didn't luv you, and naming your band after a childish excuse for a real knot that brings to mind a noose. Pathetic! So, the band has very little success in its music, they're not respected by serious metal musicians (e.g. us), but, because of the superficial resemblance to a cool name, they've made a lot of money off of the sheeple.
Beau Nasty:
You remember the '80's? That's what this is, distilled essence of the eighties. Not bad, in the eighties, but not good now. And how many of you have ever heard of Beau Nasty? How many of you think it's a kick-ass, brutal, awesome name? That's what I thought.
Blessed by a Broken Heart:
This band took the award for Most Emo Name Ever three years in a row. And they are everything that is terrible about eighties hair metal, and pop music' and hardcore emo crap, all rolled into one putrefied musically talentless pile of dog shit that's Benn eaten by another dog and shat out again. And to make matters worse, they're Christian! What kind of a self-respecting metal band is Christian? On the bright side, that means we won't have to hear their shitty music at Valhalla.
Now let's look at the way that names can be chosen in Heavy Metal. Doogie Horner over at Comic vs. Audience has put together a brilliantly worked diagramme to instruct the ignorant on the type and variety of heavy metal names. Let us examine it:
This is a very instructive. The only thing I take issue with is the lack of category "TOTALLY AWESOME". Although, there being only one band in this category, I can forgive him leaving it off. Or I could have, if that one band were not FLESH SOCKET, gods of the Nether Regions of the Giant of the Northlands and Wielder of the Prehensile Penis! Flesh Socket, being a name above names, fits into all of his categories, and none.
I also take issue with the assertion that a totally bad-ass triple umlaut is not possible. I shall now prove him wrong: Tränsænäl Rapäge. This is a super-bad-ass-double-plus-brutal name. It will be a song on our next album, and then a Flesh Socket cover band will pick it up as the name for their band, and then there shall be a band with a triple umlaut. So it is possible! So there: pbbbbttt!
That is all, Fleshians. Go back to sleep.
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